Rejection
Abandonment
Fear
AWAKE!!
Everyday I wish it was so easy to SNAP my fingers and awake from the slumber of comatose that collects crust in the corners of my eyes and I feel I feel nothing.
And I’m fighting to live I think?
Heeeeeeeeeeee broke me…. Trampled me…. Stomped me to the ground cracking ribs, jaw, my face empty… mostly in a metaphorical way. BUT STILL my thoughts warped like briars entangling the secret of emotion be- neath the canopy of thorns and berries and vines
beneath the shadow I hide.
Pain
Excruciating Pain
REVIVE
What I don’t because burning is so familiar and the fleshly smell scours my nostrils forcing me to acknowledge its presence alive in the way I haven’t of anything. And I’ve lost track of time long ago. And I’ve lost track of time so long ago. So I waste away each day in bed, giving up what I promised myself was respect.
Soooo I- fly into the arms of any- one who will hold me, big, small, hairy, smooth, empty, loving, ashamed, used, abused, vulnerable, pure… always the wrong ones.
Drunken
Trodden
And wasted gasps of air into unformed words to use what I have of sexuality to attract men to talk to… about nothing. And who am I kidding, I’m welcomed with illicit curiosity receiving what my body language asked, a sieve that keeps noth- ing. And I get a kiss… or 2 or 3 and myself in bed with a man just met for a second night AND… it’s nice to be held in someone’s arms.
1
2
3
BREATHE in, allow myself to walk the living dead, incapacitated by the whirlwind of what I choose, destruction to pivotal degrees but slowly I beat what’s good out and my legs bare naked run. Provoking the destined outcome I mean…. I’m told I’m sexy a word that appears like fishnet stockings frayed, so I flaunt a little nervous and disgusted by who I feel I’m NOT on the inside folding out and I no longer live for what I say and say what I become of what little I hate…. Yet nobody’s told me not to.
Masquerade in vodka fumes, half bottle in hand staggering about into work “sick”, just to fall into the mind of a different man, deleting much un- written rules that I verbalize what’s become comfortable, and confess contemplating suicide.
He listens.
Incandescent
CamouflageT
ransparent because he has been there too, loyalty, as continuous arms gather me crawling into one man’s arms while my confessions drizzle and drip into the ears of another…. Slowly… saving me…. FROM MYSELF, and his therapy of reasons stops the picking to let the scabs form and the ears contract to the mouth to share a story amidst the unveiling of mine to indicate…. There is ugliness smeared everywhere. AND HOPE. With the devil lingering beside … whispering…. Jaunt- ing… provoking.
My unworthiness is spit
Spoken
Unvaulted
Confirmed….
And somehow saves him.
